Adding the Paprika

About a month ago, a lawmaker in my state made some comments about race and adoption. The subject of race is no stranger to my state. Alabama is known for having archaic and outdated laws still on our books. Section 256 of our state constitution (which, by the way, is the longest constitution in the world) still demands racial segregation in schools (which obviously doesn't still happen thanks to Brown vs. The Board of Education and other legislation). It wasn't until 2000 that interracial marriage was "legalized". We have some problems. Racism is rampant. I get it. Lawmakers making comments about race isn't uncommon, and to some extent...I get it. But sometimes, things just don't add up. In this particular case, Representative Alvin Holmes was in a debate over a new abortion bill that Alabama was trying to pass. He made some comments about how white daddies wouldn't want their daughters having black babies and how most of his fellow lawmakers would make their daughters have an abortion if that happened in their lineage (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point). I get where this thought process comes from, somewhat agree, but we are in 2014 and Alabama IS making strides. Give us a little credit, Holmes. Then, he made the big oopsey.

He got into transracial adoption. He made the comment that not enough white families adopted black children. He even went as far to say that ""I will bring you $100,000 cash tomorrow if you show me a whole bunch of whites that adopted blacks in Alabama. I will go down there and mortgage my house and get it cash in 20 dollar bills and bring it to you in a little briefcase." Well, Mr. Holmes stirred up quite a racket in Alabama. Hundreds of adoptive families and thousands supporting the adoptive families have joined forces in a Facebook group called Faces of Families in Alabama. I'm super excited about this movement. I'm super excited that adoption is getting out there in the news and that maybe more families will consider adding to their families through foster care and/or adoption. Maybe this can bring about awareness of all the kids that are waiting for their forever families. Maybe another family can add some "paprika" to their life!

Here's the deal. I have a brother that adds paprika to my life! I remember the day that we went to DHR to pick him up. He was 9 months old. I remember discussing nicknames with my mom- should we call him Desi or Mondo? (We settled on Desimondo and it stuck for a bit. Then he got old and nicknames got embarassing). 

Through the years, we've grown together. I can't imagine life without my baby brother. Even though he's really annoying at times, I feel like something would be missing in my life without him. In 2007, when Des was 5, my parents signed the papers and the adoption became official. My brother was now "officially" a part of the family that he had joined many years before. In our hearts, he's been an Adam since the beginning. Mom even kept his baby toys and coloring pages, just like the rest of us.

 Just because he's a different skin color, it doesn't mean he's any less of a brother to me. Yes, the repetitive questions and awkward answers sometimes get annoying. Explaining that he's adopted (which you would think was obvious!) gets old. He gets tired sometimes of people asking him why he has a white family. But, I'd pick this life with him over a life without him...most days at least. :)

 Des is now 12 years old. He's a character. He's charming and hilarious. He makes me laugh. I love running to his different sports events. I love the fact that he can have a sweet personality, when he wants to. I love his smile and his laugh. I love when he gets in trouble and Mom gets mad at him (Hey! I'm a sister! That's what sisters do!). :)

We like to say that Des adds the paprika to our lives. The rest of us are pretty boring, but there's never a dull moment with Desmond around! He adds spice to our lives. His extrovertedness brings us out of our introverted cages. He makes us smile and laugh. I love fighting with him about who gets to cuddle with our dog. I can honestly say that my life wouldn't be the same without transracial adoption....and I'm not even sure who or what I'd be without Des. This charming, witty, funny boy has charmed my heart....and he's here to stay.

Flashback Friday: Prom

I thought it might be fun to do a prom picture flashback today. The local high school has prom tomorrow (not tonight as I said on my Instagram...duh Lauren! Prom is on Saturday!) and it's making me all reminiscent. I'm still in disbelief that it was ten years ago that I was a freshman in high school. It's been almost six years since I graduated high school. No way. I just don't feel old enough! :)

Let's start with Junior Prom. 2007. I wore a pink dress and to this day, it's my favorite dress I own. I went to David's Bridal with my mom and best friend and picked the first dress I tried on. It was pink and sparkly and just *perfect* for me. I loved it. I went to prom with a friend of my best friend, someone who I didn't know at all, but it was still fun.

We took a limo to and from prom, but our parents rode around in it while we were at prom. Which means that we were the last ones to leave...because they were still in town getting Starbucks with their friends!

Yes. I wore a cardigan to prom. What do you expect?

Post prom, we had a pancake breakfast!

And now, senior prom. Senior prom was the year that most of my friends went to prom, so that was obviously exciting. I'm not the most exciting person at the party, I'm not really a dancing queen, so Senior prom was more exciting because I had more friends like this at my prom with me. Once again, I went to David's Bridal with my mom and my friend to find a prom dress. Once again, I chose the first dress I tried on. It was tagged as costing $180, but when we got to the register, it ended up being $25...$32.99 with taxes and fees and stuff. So that was exciting! I planned on going to my senior prom solo, but I had a friend get involved and set me up with someone a week before prom. 

Post-prom, we went bowling. Because why not?

When I look back, I really did have some happy memories. Maybe everything didn't always work out how I'd always dreamed or planned, but I did have some happy memories from high school, and it's fun to look back every once and awhile!

Let's hit the restart button.

Hi.
My name is Lauren and I blog around here at Finding Free.

Or I did. Somehow in the messiness of life, running a blog kind of got put on the back burner. I've written posts....but none worth publishing. Last year, I published 53 posts. Yikes. That's the least I've done in a year, ever. Somehow or another, last year got away from me. I kind of discovered my eating disorder, graduated college, went to treatment a few times at a few different places, moved in and out of an apartment....and somehow I ended up where I am today. I'm not really sure how that happened. I'm not really sure how I made it through this past year. I survived? Yeah. Let's go with that. Someday, I'll write a book about 2013. It was a year of...adventure, mishaps, and craziness. It was a year that changed my life. It was a year...that I'm sure glad is over!

But now that it's over...I think I'm back. For good.
I debated over this. Should I return to blogging? Should I keep my blog or start a new one? What should I blog about? All of these thoughts filled my brain and I got confused and overwhelmed. So...I didn't. I posted a little here and there, but nothing significant. But today? Today I have a plan. I have an end goal. There's so many things that I have percolating in my brain that I want to share with you guys. I've got ideas for blog challenges. I want to share pictures from this past year. I want to share my heart with you all. I'm still not sure what this is going to look like. I have a feeling that my blog will shift directions. I'm not in college anymore, so I'm not really a "college girl" blogger. But, I'm also not an "employed" blogger or a "mommy" or "married" blogger. I'm not sure where I fit into the blog circles anymore. I feel stuck, stuck in the "in between". My daddy sometimes refers to this as my time being a "Protestant nun", but I'm not really sure how I feel about that or how that's supposed to look. I've got plans. I'm moving forward. But, it's all on God's time schedule now, because I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. I know that God knows my heart and he will bring me where I'm supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be there. For now, I'll spend my time reaching out, ministering to girls, sharing my story, and working to better myself and my health. Is it the typical "I've been graduated for a year" deal? Not exactly. But...acceptance. I'm learning to love where I'm at and this sweet season that I'm in. I mean, I get to spend lots of time with my family (that can be good and bad). I get to spend time loving on sweet babies in the nursery and telling preschoolers about Jesus. I get to have long talks with my Mom about life. I get to snuggle with my dog. I get to take my time eating breakfast in the mornings. I get to clean my room and do laundry. I'm so blessed to have this season...that's how I'm choosing to look at it.

So, hello again. I'm so glad to welcome you to my corner of the world wide web, dear friend. I don't know what things are going to look like around here and it's a little messy right now, but that's okay. Progress, not perfection. I'm back in the blogging game! :)

True Life: I "Hate" Adoption

I was going through my drafts archive and I came across this piece that I wrote back in college about adoption. Since this month was the 7 year anniversary of Desmond's "official" adoption day, I wanted to share it with the world. It's a little piece that I like to call "I "Hate" Adoption." I never published it out of fear of embarrassing my baby brother or bringing shame to his story. But, as I read over it today, I realized that this post is a story of redemption and blessing, not shame. This is my life, this is my brother's story, this is my family's story. I ask that you respect that in any comments or judgements you may make.

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Now, before you go unsubscribing and start calling me an awful person, please allow me to explain what I mean by the phrase "I hate adoption."

Let me start by telling you about this little boy that I love so much.

If you can't tell or haven't read my blog for that long- he's adopted. It's not a secret (I mean, he's not THAT stupid. His skin is kind of a different color.). My parents didn't hide the fact that he was adopted (probably because he was five when the adoption was finalized, but whatever). When I was in sixth grade, my parents started doing foster care. Right before I turned 12, this kid joined our family. He was nine months old. We thought that it would be temporary, but that's not how things worked out. Over the last ten years, we've learned a lot as a family. We've grown a lot. The "blessing of adoption" has definitely had some great impacts on my family (Hey- we have at least one cool family member now!). Our lives would be terribly boring if not for this kid. Sometimes I refer to him as my "paprika"- he adds spice to our lives. I love him so much, even when he's really annoying.

But, there's also a side to adoption that all to often, we don't highlight. My brother's case was a little different than your typical adoption. He has a birth mom that loves him, but was really young and unprepared when she gave birth to him. I joke around that we don't have an open adoption, we have a "the front door's wide open, so come on in" adoption. We are so blessed to have his birth mom be a part of our extended family. Is it perfect? Far from it. Is it always easy? Definitely not. It makes me laugh when I run into people from "that side of the family" when I'm out with friends. Yes, it might not be typical to see someone like me talking to a large black man. But, what's wrong with that? Why does society view that as "strange"? I love the fact that I have the opportunity to interact with people from diverse backgrounds. I think it helps me become a greater, more accepting person. Maybe it's not always easy to involve the "extended family", but, who are we to deny him his heritage, his birth mom?

Sure, his birth certificate has my parents listed under "Mother" and "Father". But, if you look at him, you can tell that that's in the legal/relational sense, not the blood sense. Why would we go around pretending like his birth family doesn't exist? There's this idea of "I deserve this child and she doesn't". Why do we think of ourselves as better than the birth family? They are not any less of a person. They are not any less a child of God. Even if they made a mistake along the way, there is no reason to think that you are any better than them. Romans 3:23 says that "all have fallen short of the glory of God." We've all messed up. Some people's sins are just more visible than others. Some people's sins have a greater impact here and now, but we will all have to stand before the throne of God someday and ALL of our sins will be made visible. From this point, I believe that the first goal of adoption should always be to avoid it. Adoption should be a "last resort" option. The birth family should be supported. Resources should be provided to try and keep the family together. Mentor the birth mom. Show her how to be a good parent. Teach her the skills that she needs to be able to succeed. Give her the chance to succeed, and believe in her. If you've gone through all of that and it's just not possible, then consider adoption. But, don't write the birth mom out. Give her an active role in the child's life, if possible. Don't just send her photographs and letters once a year (that's really not an open adoption). Allow her the chance to be involved in the child's life, as appropriate. Don't write her off as a failure as a parent. Don't write the birth family out of the child's life and pretend like they don't exist.

But, I feel like that's what we (as a culture) do a lot of the time. We view adoption as a fashion accessory. It's something that makes us "feel good" because we're helping someone out. But- that's the wrong reason for doing it. Adoption is not an accessory. Adoption is not an "obsession" or an "addiction". I feel sometimes like we are so obsessed over adoption. We treat it like a wonderful thing, but it is a horrible part of us living in a fallen world. With all my heart, I WISH that we did not have adoption. I wish that there were no orphans. I wish that we would spend the time and resources equipping birth parents so that they could parent their child. I wish that families could stay together. I know that sometimes parents make unwise choices that have consequences, but I HATE the fact that adoption has to exist. It breaks my heart. I wish that parents could stay involved in the life of their child. It breaks my heart when I hear about the state "taking someone's child away". It breaks my heart to hear that someone is "unfit to be a parent".

It breaks my heart when I see adoptive families that don't acknowledge the child's birth family or culture. It breaks my heart when I'm talking about open adoption and someone says "I could never do that". YES YOU COULD. You just choose not to. It might break your heart. It may stretch your faith. You might learn some new things and feel some new hurts. It might be painful. But, you could do it. It is possible to love a child like they are your own, even if they know that you are not their birth mom. You never know what kind of life this could lead you to. You could meet all sorts of new and wonderful and different people. You could learn so much about what heaven is going to look like someday- NEWS FLASH: NOT EVERYONE IN HEAVEN IS GOING TO LOOK JUST LIKE YOU. By embracing an adoptive child's family and culture, you will be able to show them the love of Jesus. You might be the only Christ that they see. "Front Door Wide Open" adoption is an amazing thing. It merges the old and the new together into some big, messy, amazing blob. I truly believe that if adoption has to exist, this way for it to happen. I know that some people might say things like "But, what if the birth family lives on 'that side' of town" or make excuses about safety. Safety-smaftety. The safest place to be is in the middle of God's will. Don't you think that God is just a little bit bigger than an uncomfortable position? One of my professors made the comment the other day in class that "Satan wants you to fear liability, because it holds you back from following Christ wholeheartedly." Is there a place for healthy boundaries? Yes. There are times when you may need to distance yourself (and the adopted child) from a person or situation. But, you can't let the fear of "what if" hold you back from allowing a child this opportunity. Open adoption allows a child to learn from their birth family- learn family history, cultural history, and the chance to learn life lessons from another person's successes and setbacks.

So, the big question- since I "hate" adoption so much, will I ever adopt? The answer is "I don't know". I have a heart for the broken. I desperately want to see children be able to have a family. I learned so much from this experience as a sibling of someone who was adopted, and I would love for my future children to be able to have that experience. But, I know the heartbreak involved (on all sides). If God leads me towards adoption, I will follow. That being said, if I adopt, I'd love to have an open adoption. I won't adopt as an "accessory" or "obsession". I won't adopt for selfish needs- to make myself feel like a "better person"- but rather to provide a loving home for a child to grow up in. Family reconciliation is the goal. Adoption is not supposed to be about "me" or "my family"- it's about loving God and loving people. It's hard. It's painful. But, it's worth it.

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There's so many other issues that I wish I could address. I wish I could expand on my feelings about family preservation. I wish I could tell you about the issues and judgements that arise when you adopt a child of another race. I wish I could go into great detail about our journey. But this is not the time or place for that. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me at everydaycinderella@gmail.com and I'd love to chat. But, keep in mind that protecting my baby brother (who's 12 now!) is at the forefront and I don't want to do anything that would violate his security or trust. Some things are not my story to tell- they are his story, when he is ready to share them. 

Guest Post: Eating Disorders from A Biffie's Perspective

I'm so excited to have a guest post on my blog today! A few days ago, I asked my friend Kaitlyn if she'd be willing to guest post on my blog about what it's like to have a friend with an eating disorder. One of the things that I've learned on this journey is that eating disorders don't just affect the individual. They also hurt families and friends. 

 

Katie, Katykins, my biffle/biffie....she's been with me for a large portion of this journey, and my entire journey in recovery! I'm so blessed to have this girl in my life. I can't wait to homeschool her children and brainwash them with my Republican ideals (Just kidding Kait. Kind of. Not really). I mean, this girl even Instagramed a #purpleproject post for me! This girl is amazing and I'm so happy that she agreed to share with you guys today!

....

Hey everyone! I'm Kaitlyn. I'm Lauren's biffle/biffie. I have been her friend now for 3 years going on 10 plus. Totally kidding about the 10 plus years, but really I have been her best friend for 3 years now. How did I know she was going to be my best friend she got me out of a shirt in a dressing room, not even a week knowing me. haha.

We have been through a lot together my first 2 relationships plus the heartbreak coming from those events, to the biggest one of them of them all.

           Lauren's eating disorder. 

You see I found out through email before she came out on this blog. I was the first friend she told. Receiving that email was one of the saddest days of my life. I blamed myself for not seeing it. I spent everyday with this girl. Well mostly everyday. Oh I cried for days. 

However being friends with a person who has an ED is serious and hard business. 

One of the hardest things was when the disease even cut me out of her life for some time. It was so so hard. You see Lauren is one of the true friends who actually gets me. She gets my weird quirks, my anxiety. This girl is going to be yellow dress (jk) wearing bridesmaid, my engagement photographer, and so much more. 

Here's a few things you can do to help if your "Lauren" in your life has an ED. 

1. Find the right time to do it. Don't do it when it is a stressful time. Be cautious when you do it. 

2. Don't let the focus be on meals. This is one of the hardest. Meals are hardest for people who have ED. So do something else for a change. 

3. Lastly be patient with them. Her ED won't disappear over night. Rome wasn't built in a day people. Just be there and love on them when you can. 

I hope you enjoyed this post. 

Love, 

Kaitlyn 

...

Y'all. This girl is the sweetest. I love her big heart. If you want to find out more about her, check out her social media!

Blog: Fat to Fabulous Kaitlyn

Twitter: @katiemac007

I wear purple....

I wear purple...

because I'm an overcomer.

because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, and I'm starting to believe it.

for "someday babies".

because I'm more than a number.

because I'm more than a diagnosis.

because I'm more than a label.

because I'm not defined by a scale.

because food isn't good or bad, clean or unclean.

because life is about more than ER visits and treatment programs.

because I really want to live.

because I'm sick of living like this.

because I want to be independent.

because 1 in 5 will die of this disease.

because my worth isn't defined by a size.

because I want picnics in the sunshine.

because I want to eat cake at my wedding.

because I want to celebrate life.

because I don't want my future daughters (or sons!) to live like this.

because even my hardest days in recovery are better than my worst days in relapse.

because Toaster Strudels and pancakes and peanut butter are amazing.

because food shouldn't be scary.

because I'm worth recovery.

because recovery is possible.

because someday I WILL recover.

...

I also got someone else to join in on the fun!

Want to join in? Put on some purple, make a "I wear purple because" or "I wear purple for" sign, and snap a picture! Post it on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter, tag it with #purpleproject and #NEDAwareness...and tell me about it! :)

"I Had No Idea"- NEDA Week 2014

"I had no idea."

That's what most people's initial reaction to me telling them about my eating disorder is. For someone who's ridiculously horrible at lying (as in, I tend to smile and giggle)- this came as a bit of a surprise. I guess I was good at hiding things. I guess that since I maintained my weight and ate food, people didn't notice the fact that I was running to the bathroom to purge after eating. I guess the fact that I didn't reach a state of emaciation for a majority of my disorder, people didn't notice. I was just "Lauren, the picky eater" or "Lauren, the girl who doesn't eat in the dining hall" or "Lauren, the girl with weird food allergies/stomach problems". I mean, since I struggled with body and self image from the time I was little bitty (like preschool) and I WAS an unusually picky eater- how could I have expected anyone to notice that my strange quirks and feelings were translating into something more sinister? I mean, I didn't even recognize that I had a problem for four years. Why would someone else notice? How would they notice? We live in a society that has such a perverted way of thinking about food and weight. Disordered eating is even seen as, might I say...normal? Society jumps from fad diet to fad diet. Juicing. Cleanses. Constant battles with the scale and numbers on the inside of our clothing. It's kind of hard to see the line between dieting and disorder when everything is so close. What's healthy for one person is bad for another. Add in the fact that eating disorders are horribly misunderstood- and we've got a massive problem on our hands. 

I thought I might share a few words on eating disorders today. After all, it is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Maybe someone can learn from my experience. Maybe you know someone with an eating disorder and you don't know what to say or what not to say. Maybe you don't understand why they can't "just eat" and get better. Maybe this little post can help. Maybe this post can give you a glimpse into my world.

• Not everyone that has an eating disorder is underweight. There is more to an eating disorder than weight or level of emaciation or a certain diagnosis. Anorexia is defined by refusal to maintain a natural or healthy weight (or BMI) and it IS marked by being underweight. But, Bulimia, EDNOS/OSFED, and Binge Eating disorder can all occur in healthy weight or overweight individuals. These illnesses are just as serious as anorexia and can have similar health consequences. Interesting fact- my bloodwork and all came back perfectly normal when I was 20 pounds underweight. When I went to treatment the first time (to do weight restoration), I wasn't really having major health issues. It wasn't until months later when I began to abuse laxatives and diuretics that the dizziness and chest pains and heart issues started popping up. By that time, I was weight restored to my "ideal body weight". Just because someone is at a "healthy weight" by BMI or IBW standards doesn't mean that they are healthy, they don't have an eating disorder, or that they can't seek treatment. 
• Most people with anorexia DO eat. Asking me if I eat isn't a funny question. Yes, I eat. Even at the point of my disorder when I restricted the most- I still ate. I ate three "meals" a day most days. Were they substantial? No. Were they healthy? No. I was eating "starvation diet"- which simply means that I ate less than 1200 calories a day. That magical 1200 calorie number? It's not the magic weight loss number. It's the number at which your body goes into starvation mode. It's not really meant to be used as a diet, and definitely not long term. Some days I may have eaten less than 1200 calories, but I almost always ate something at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That's one reason why most people were so caught off guard about my disorder. I ATE. I ate real food- not just diet foods or vegetables. Anorexia doesn't mean that you never ever eat. It is marked by restriction- not necessarily total avoidance. Otherwise, anorexia would kill you in 1-4 weeks.
• Most people who purge don't "like" throwing up. The purging side of my disorder is my least favorite and it was the first part that I really committed to giving up after this most recent relapse. This might get a little messy- but I think it needs to be said, so I'm going to say it. Purging ISN'T like it is in the movies and on TV. It's messy. It's not leaning over a toilet once, sticking a finger down your throat, and everything from dinner magically coming up. No, it's spending a half hour leaning over a dirty, messy toilet. It's vomit splashing up and hitting you in the face. It's crying and tears and wanting it all to be over and the food to just "get out" because you have this fear that the food is literally sitting in your stomach, multiplying- and you're totally going to gain 20 pounds if you don't get it out. The marathon vomiting session is normally followed by massive amounts of guilt and fear and crying and messy feelings involved in all of this. It's not glamorous, it's not beautiful and it's not something I enjoy. On one of my ER visits last year, I had an especially awful nurse who asked me extremely personal and rude questions about this- they were totally unrelated to my medical care. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...if you are in the medical profession- don't tell me how you've "never met an anorexic before" or ask me if I "like, make myself throw up and how" ...because you want weight loss tips. Anorexia is NOT A DIET. It's a serious medical condition.
• The media and/or society does not create eating disorders. I'm beginning to learn more about eating disorders, and I've come to the conclusion that I have the perfect genetic makeup for developing one. I'm highly perfectionistic, anxious, and I have low self image and body image distortion. These factors along with my genetics made me extremely susceptible to developing an eating disorder. It wasn't the skinny actresses or models, or gossip magazines, or anything like that. Could society and the media have contributed? Sure. They may have pulled the trigger to the gun- but they didn't create the gun. I wasn't constantly told I was fat and ugly by others- I was told that by my own self- my brain. These messages had been in my brain since I was itty-bitty. I had these messages in my head in the days before I watched TV or read magazines....and I never really enjoyed watching fashion shows or models. The thoughts were in my brain, creating a breeding ground and something finally "clicked" and it became an eating disorder. I don't know what "clicked", but the media and society did not create the disorder. My brain and genetics did.
• It's a choice, but it's also not a choice. I once heard it said that it's not a choice to develop an eating disorder, but it is a choice to recover. Recovery is hard. It's the hardest thing I've worked at. Telling me to "just eat" or to not count calories or not weigh myself...it's not really useful. I know what I need to do. I've been to treatment. I know the tools. I know the coping mechanisms. It's about convincing my brain to use them. For my, my eating disorder is all about compulsions. It's feeling this need to control what I eat. It's feeling this need to control the number (I always get really obsessed with numbers). Sometimes, the compulsions are too strong and I can't help but do them. Some days, I am simply not strong enough. You can tell me that drinking water won't make me gain weight, but when I'm in that "compulsion" mode, you aren't going to convince me. It's not because I'm strong, it's because the disorder is strong. Eating disorders are serious mental illnesses. They aren't just about vanity or "getting skinny". I mean, it'll trick you and make you think it is....but it's really not. I often compare my eating disorder to demons from the Bible. I'm not totally convinced that it's not a demon possession sometimes- that's how strong the urges and compulsions are. It's really hard to explain, and it's really hard to try and control. 

In a nutshell, that's five things that most people have "no idea" about eating disorders. Some misconceptions and some explanations. I think the key here is grace. Offer grace. Offer support and love, too- but don't forget about grace. Recovery is full of mess ups and slip ups. But, don't give up on us. Don't give up on me. Please.