I know

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what you're doing, but I know who you are.

These words stuck with me on my way home tonight. I'm at a place in my life that I don't really know what God is doing. I know that I have a place to lay my head at night. I know that I have a family that loves me. But, I'm 23 years old- unmarried, not in school, no job. It's hard not to feel like a failure sometimes. While I know that I needed to seek treatment nine months ago, it put some important things to the side- like finding a job or grad school. While I know it was necessary for my physical, emotional, and spiritual health-- it's hard looking back.

I feel so lost and confused...I don't know who I am anymore. My identity is in shambles. The rock I built my life upon- the pursuit of perfection- has shattered. I am in a spiritually dry desert right now. I pray and I cry out to God, but as hard as I try- I can't hear that voice anymore. I try going to church, but I end up having to leave due to anxiety and panic attacks. The place I once felt most at home and most at peace scares me. I know that it's the devil trying to attack. I know that this isn't of God. But it is so hard for me right now. I'm scared. I'm like a lost little girl that doesn't know where she's going, where she's being led. But I'm holding on. I'm holding on to the hand of God, just like I used to hang on to my Daddy's finger. Just like I trusted him then, I'm trusting God now.

Even in this time of darkness, I know who God is. I know that he is faithful. I know that he is true. I know that he is powerful. I know that he fights my battles for me. I know all of this because the Bible tells me so and I believe it. So even when I'm worried about grad school (if I'll get in, the entrance exam, etc) or living on my own, or recovery, or going to church, or whatever...I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep trying. Even when it doesn't work one time, I'm going to try again. Even when my prayers for healing from this awful disorder seem to not be heard, I'm going to keep praying. Even when I have to go home from church for the thousandth time, I'm going to go back the next Sunday and try again. Grant me patience, please. It's a hard process I'm going through. But, even though I don't know the next breath I'll take or the next move I'll make...I know who God is.

life is better than skinny feels.

It started with this.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

Can I just tell you that that is a big fat lie?

So much tastes better than being skinny. 

I'm inviting a little controversy over to the blog today. You see, I'm tired. Tired of seeing "fitspo" posted all over my Pinterest account. I'm tired of looking to find recipes...and finding half naked girls that just make me feel inferior. I'm tired of this being viewed as "okay". I'm tired of this being encouraged. I truly believe that this whole "fitspo" thing is just the new form of "thinspo"- which is really just the girls' version of pornography. Yes, I just said that. 

Thinspo- Short for thinspiration. Often used by the pro-ana (pro-anorexia) and pro-mia (pro-bulimia) groups as inspiration for crazy diets, exercise routines, and purging behaviors.

Fitspo- Short for fitspiration. The new, more acceptable form of thinspo- that still encourages some of the same destructive behaviors- but especially focuses on "clean eating" and excessive exercising.

Both of these can be horribly destructive. It's awfully hard to put these pictures on my blog. I don't want you to see them. But, I want you to know what is out there. I want you to know what to stay away from. I want you to know that there is a life better for you than all of this. There is a God that loves you the way that you are and you don't have to be pretty or fit or skinny for him to like you and accept you. There's so much more to life than restricting. Limiting yourself to 1200 calories a day is considered a starvation diet. 1200 calories is what a six year old girl needs to survive. Think about how much bigger you are than six year old you, how much taller you are. Would you deprive her the calories she needs so that her body will function? Think about how many more things your body does now. You know what happens when your body goes into starvation mode? Let me tell you.

Your body gets tired. You want to sleep all the time. Your hair starts falling out, which can be really weird if you share a shower with your two brothers and they wonder why the drain keeps getting clogged. You'll start feeling cold all the time. You will feel faint, like you are going to pass out- and you just might. Your heart will slow down. If your a girl, you might lose your period. Your digestive system will slow down and try to hang onto every calorie it can. Forget about being strong and working out- you'll be too weak for that. Mentally, you won't be able to think as well. Your work and school will suffer. Heart and brain function will be compromised. If you starve yourself long enough- death may occur. It's not a fun thing. I can tell you this from first hand experience. Anorexia is a horrible, horrible disease. You may think that you're just cutting back or dieting, but messing around with starvation diets is a dangerous game to play. Thinspo is just one aspect of the pro-ana culture.

Fitspo comes out of this culture. It's a new, more acceptable form of thinspo, like orthorexia is a new, more acceptable form of anorexia. Orthorexia is "characterized by an extreme or excessive preoccupation with avoiding foods perceived to be unhealthful." It often involves excessive exercise, pushing the body to levels of exhaustion. Part of it is the idea of "clean eating". Since when was food "dirty"? If it falls on the floor in a pile of mud, maybe it's dirty. But, a food is not dirty because it has sugar or carbs. Your body needs sugar and carbs. The biggest portion of the Food Pyramid is grains- that's carbs! Your body needs carbs. Can I just say that one more time? Your body needs carbs. Depriving your body of foods that aren't clean and healthful is an eating disordered behavior. Working out all the time to "get skinny" isn't healthy either. Athletica nervosa, anyone? You can call it "obsessed" or "dedicated"- but that doesn't mean that it's good for you. Yes, exercise can be good for you. But, there's a limit. If you're "puking, fainting, or dying"- you are probably working your body too hard. Listen to the signals that your body is sending. Is it saying to stop? Then STOP!

The first image in the post is a famous pro-ana post. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Ashamedly, that was one of my mottos during my eating disorder. But, I hope you can see that skinny isn't all it's cracked up to be if you are starving yourself to get there. I'd like to end by saying that alot of things taste as good as "fit feels". Carrots and lettuce and grilled chicken are good- but that doesn't mean that you can't indulge in a cupcake or brownie every once in awhile. Fried chicken won't kill you. Pasta won't make you gain 10 pounds. Life is more than being skinny or fit. Life is better than fit feels. Living and breathing is better than skinny feels. Being able to go out with friends. Being able to eat in public. Not feeling like you need to throw up because you ate carbs. Being able to live life and enjoy life is SO MUCH BETTER than "skinny" or "fit". 

Please don't degrade yourself because you see images of skinny, photoshopped women saying that you don't need to eat that or that you need to run 10 miles a day. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by a Daddy in heaven that loves you. Your Abba Father made you just the way you are and he loves you just the way you are. Your body is a temple. Love that temple. Love that body. Respect that temple. Respect that body. Remember that you are wonderfully made- being skinny and/or fit doesn't change anything. Life is better than skinny feels. 

Women of the Bible: Eve

I'm currently making my way through a semi-homemade study on women in the Bible. There's so many ladies in this great big book, and I want to know more about them. I'm using some of the She Reads Truth plans (past and present) to guide me through, but I'm adding some to the study (more on the history and what the bible says, in addition to modern day application) and adding some women that they haven't gotten to yet.

Today I'm studying Eve. Things seemed so great when she started out. I mean, she was the "first first lady!" She was made and created to be Adam's helper. Genesis 2:23 has Adam praising God for making Eve because "At last! This is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh!" She lived in the Garden of Eden, a beautiful wonderful home, and she was not ashamed. But then something happened. A serpent enters the story. He convinces her of all of these lies. She sees the fruit that she is offered and she thinks that it is good. So, she eats of it. And with that- sin enters the world. As punishment, her and all women throughout history will have pain during childbearing and they shall be ruled over by their husband. How did things go from so good to so bad so quick?

Here's the thing: We KNOW truth and we live it but the lies get so loud. We know what is good and pure and right and God-loving and obedient. We know it. It's in our hearts. It's in the Bible. But somehow we get tired. We get weary. We get confused. We get angry. Then we bite and we take the bait- just like Eve. I know that when I'm tired, I don't make very good decisions. It's easier to give in. It's easier to believe the lie. The lie seems so loud and we feel so powerless.

• What are some lies that you are hearing?
• How are you responding?

I like to fire back to these lies with scripture. I am far from powerful on my own, but with the sword of truth- I can fight a battle like a mighty warrior! For example, when I'm feeling down on myself- like I'm worthless, or not pretty enough, or not good enough, here's some verses I look at so that I can fight Satan with them:

1. God loves me for who I am on the inside, not the outside. 
1 Samuel 16:7 ESV- But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

2. My body is a temple of God and I should respect it.
1 Corinthians 3:16 ESV - Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?

3. I was dreamed up in the mind of God long before the day of my birth. He formed me and calls me wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:13-16 ESV- For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

4. I am created in the image of God and he calls me good.
Genesis 1:27 ESV- So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

5. God desires me. He is enthralled by my beauty!
Psalm 45:11 ESV- And the king will desire your beauty. Since he is your lord, bow to him.

6. I am enough.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV- But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

7. I am a glorious princess.
Psalm 45:13 ESV- All glorious is the princess in her chamber, with robes interwoven with gold.

So, what can you do to "fire back"? What can you do to combat the lies that are thrown at you daily, hourly? One of the things that I've learned in recovery is to take everything one day at a time. Sometimes it's more like one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one meal at a time. But I can do it, even if it's "just for today". Just for today, I'm going to fire back with scripture. Just for today, I can do this one more time. Just for today, I can drown out the lies. Just for today. 

life update

I guess that I kind of owe you all a general life update. I didn't really stick to my self imposed sabbatical, but that's okay. I didn't want to be legalistic and some circumstances changed. So, here's what I've been up to...

*I've been doing some writing for Yahoo Voices recently and one of my pieces just got published/approved! I know that it's kind of silly, but it means a lot to me. :) You can go here to read about five things that you shouldn't tell to someone with an eating disorder.

*I'm doing some design work again! You can go here to my shop to purchase printables and blog designs! Some of the printables are ones that I have previously offered for free on my blog, but in a few days, they will only be available in the shop! Also, I am loving the blog designs that I'm putting together. Here's one that I put up last night.

[Update: Use the code "findingfree" to get 20% off your order!]

*I'm not going to grad school at Alabama this fall anymore. :( 

I decided that I'm really just not ready to move away/I still need my treatment team/I'm really not sure that I want to be a social worker. So I'm looking into a counseling program for next Spring here at home and I'm also looking into getting a part time job of some sort. It's really frustrating right now, but I know that God has a plan for my life. He's taken me this far and he will continue to walk beside me now and into the future.

And that's my life right now! :)

beach trip 2013

Summer Playlist #2

Happy Songs
1. Overcomer- Mandisa
2. Beautiful- Ben Rector (free on iTunes right now!)
3. True Things- JJ Heller

Worship
4. Hurricane- Natalie Grant
5. Forever and a Day- Bethel Worship
6. Dark But Lovely- Sarah Edwards (background song in the video)

Guilty Pleasures (Yes, I'm totally a 13 year old girl)
7. Cups (When I'm Gone)- Pitch Perfect
8. Neon Lights- Demi Lovato
9. Come and Get It- Selena Gomez

a big, ugly green monster

I've avoided writing on the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman skirmish for awhile. I don't want to be political and I don't want to get into the case. But, regardless of what people "say"- this case has become about race. As a society, we've done that. We have created an ugly vicious monster. And it hurts me. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that so many young men and women are dying in Chicago due to gang violence. It breaks my heart that this is happening in my area. It breaks my heart that some lives aren't valued- simply because of the color of their skin. It breaks my heart that one case overshadows the thousands that are killed. This isn't about self defense- that's a viable argument in my book. I wasn't there that night. I don't know what went down. But, I do know that too many people are dying and too few people are caring.

So, I'd like to share this essay that I wrote in high school about what racism means to me.

A mother is shopping in a grocery store with her five year old son. As they near the produce aisle you are shopping in, the child whispers, “Mommy? Is that one of the Mexicans that you were talking to Daddy about last night? The ones that need to go swim back over the river and quit taking over our government?” The mother looks at you, and then smiles at the child. They go on their way to the next isle without any apology.

Two Kindergartners are playing together, when a classmate comes up to them. He accuses the two children of being “boyfriend and girlfriend”. The little girl is fine with it, as is her “boyfriend”. Neither find anything wrong with the statement. They are friends and opposite genders. The classmate then tells the little girl, “He can’t be your boyfriend. He’s black and you’re white.” The little girl responds, “He’s not black. He’s brown. And I’m not white. I’m PINK!” The “couple” join hands and walk off.

Such blatant examples of racism are not unheard of in today’s society. All you have to do is walk into a grocery store to hear people talk unkindly about someone of another race. It has gotten so horrible that you hear children talking about each other in school. Racism is the belief that race determines a person’s traits and capacities, and that racial differences make one race better than another. But, racism is not limited to just the minorities. I have an adopted, younger brother who is biracial. Even though I am a “rich little white girl” who should not have any issues with racism, I deal with it frequently through him. Racism causes people to act in ways they normally would not. Even though he is only six years old, people still look at him like he is worthless. Whether it’s seeing people stare and talk about him, or knowing what they think of me, or fearing for his future, it can get rough. Racism is when people mistreat my family because of my little brother’s skin color.

It happens quite frequently. My family walks into a restaurant. As we walk to the table, heads turn. What is that little brown boy doing with that white family? People start speaking in hushed voices about the new development. The obvious fact that he was adopted is pushed to the back of their minds and they immediately think that there is something strange about my family. My parents must be divorced or one had an affair. He could never have been adopted. That would be impossible.

It makes me feel sorry for my brother because kids can be cruel. Children are not afraid to voice their emotions. They will look at him and ask their parents, “Why isn’t he white like the rest of his family?” Their parents rush to shush them, but the damage has already been done. Because the parents inadvertently push their views that one race is superior, by finding their children playmates that look like them and send them to homogenous preschools and private schools, they do not know diversity. They only know the world that they have been shown, and differences are looked down upon.

My little brother is my “run to Wal Mart” buddy. He’s the only one in my family who really enjoys going to Wal Mart with me, so we make runs to get things for my parents together. I hold his hand as he crosses the street, tell him not to run off in the store, and buy him dinner at McDonald’s on the rare occasion. It’s nothing a good big sister would not do. But, sometimes people like to misinterpret my actions into being motherly. As there are twelve years between us, it would be possible. We do not look anything like each other, so obviously I must be his mother. Do not pay any attention to my National Honor Society t-shirt and cross around my neck. Sometimes the stares are almost too much. I feel like I must have done something wrong, slipped up somewhere. But, all I am trying to do is be the best big sister I can be.  Or on the flip side, I did not do anything wrong. People are smart enough to realize that I was not a pregnant twelve year old; it was clearly my parents. They must be divorced. My mother must have had an affair with an inner city gangster. I am a symbol of strength, hope, perseverance. They give me looks of pity and sympathy. If these people would think for a moment, they would see how ridiculous and nosey they are being. They have no business imagining my life in every intricate detail. I do not want their sympathy. I am his big sister; that is all.

As his big sister, I worry about him. 

Racism means so much to this “little white girl” who should not have to deal with racism. I should be the one to be doing the judging. But, my parents raised me better than that. Racism hurts everyone involved. Because it hurts my little brother, it hurts me. Racism may be the thing that takes my little brother from me. Racism, the belief that you are superior to someone else because of what color your skin is, has affected my life deeply and changed it forever. Skin color does not matter in the grand scheme of things. When we go see Jesus, do you think he is going to black or white? Do you think he is going to care what color your skin is? Do you think he will judge you on that? Do you think skin color will stop people from getting into heaven?

Racism is a big, ugly, green monster that is trying to take my little brother from me.