Looking for Sparkle.

Honestly, I was going to post a "pity party" post about my life. That was the total plan for the post. It just seems like things keep hitting a brick wall just about the time that I figure things out. Honestly, right now I'm struggling.

Yes, I'm only taking 12 hours (4 classes) this semester. But, I'm completely lost in two of the four classes. As in, I have no idea what we're talking about. I mean, I read the material multiple times. I think I understand it. Then, I go to class and take a quiz and I fail it. FAIL IT. I mean, you get a 65 for putting your name on the piece of paper. I write a page and a half and do what I think is a great job- and I still get no credit for my work and get a 65. It's incredibly frustrating and happening in BOTH classes I have with this professor. I mean, I love the guy. He's old and amazing and super brilliant. But, I'm just not getting what I'm doing wrong. I did fine last semester in my Theology class with the same kind of quizzes. But, for some reason, Philosophy and Ethics are kicking my butt. In addition, I have this pride thing where I really don't want to end up with two "C"s this semester. It will KILL my GPA, and I just recovered (somewhat) from my two "C"s Freshman year. At this point, it would pretty much end my hopes of grad school, seeing as I'm going to have to get a scholarship for that. I'm frustrated that I'm putting hours in doing reading, highlighting, and outlining and getting NOTHING in return. At this point, I'm about ready to throw in the towel.

I'm not trying to complain (okay, actually I am. I just need to vent and really this is all I have), but I'm incredibly lonely this semester. I feel like I'm not the only one struggling with this (because I've read so many other blog friends' posts about how they have this same problem this term), but it doesn't make things better. Last semester, I was hardly on campus. I was always running to class, or church, or home or whatever. I was struggling to stay on top of everything. There was no time. This led to me not being the friend I needed to be. But this semester, here I am with no job. Okay, that's kind of a lie. I work Wednesday nights for a few hours watching Preschoolers. But, that's really not something that requires any prep time and it takes about three hours for dinner plus kid-watching. I have an enormous amount of time. While this does give me time to stay up to date on my homework, it's mostly reading. That doesn't take forever. I feel like I'm always sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I've tried to spend time with friends and stuff, but they're always busy with other people. I mean, I don't expect to be everything, but if I make plans with someone- that's normally something that I look forward to all day. Then, when people cancel on me- I get disappointed. I've learned to just not expect anything. I'm not trying to be a downer, because I know that I brought this on myself last semester, but it just gets lonely. It's quiet around here. I'm normally in my pajamas by dinner time, and in bed watching a movie shortly thereafter. I'm tired of being boring- I want to do something exciting. But, it just feels like there's nobody around. I miss spending all day with my friends. I miss having lunch together and dinner with people. I mean, I'm seriously pitiful. I'm going to make a great cat lady someday.

I'm at a complete loss of what to do with my life. I just have this feeling that grad school isn't going to work out. For some reason, going into massive amounts of debt to work in a church seems crazy. I don't know why most of these churches want master's degrees or a degree from seminary. I mean, they're not going to pay you enough to live on- much less pay back student loans. At the same time as all of this, several of my dream jobs have openings. I'm not talking about tiara tester or footie pajama model- I'm talking reality here. Yet, since I'm not graduating until December, I'm thinking that they don't want to wait 11 months to get me. I'm freaking out about my future, even though I know that I made a New Year's Goal not to. Freaking out. I know God has a plan for my life- but he needs to get with the program and realize that my "cat lady" tendencies aren't going to pay the bills. And that I really don't want to work retail, restaurant, or call center. I'd like to put my college degree to use. I've only worked for the past four years on it, for crying out loud!

So, my "non pity party" post turned into one. Drats. I was trying to avoid that. I was trying to stay positive- but it's hard. I know that I have a "great life". I don't want to be lectured about that. But, sometimes it's hard to keep going. It's hard to not want to quit. It's frustrating when you work so hard (on homework, friendships, and life goals) and they aren't working out like you planned. Yesterday, Nicole tweeted something about how life is changing, and sometimes it's hard (I don't remember the exact quote). Somehow, I was able to pull out, "Life changes are good! It means we're actually living. If you didn't grow and change, you wouldn't be where you are today!" I'm not sure how I got that out- because honestly, I've been feeling pretty crummy. I'm not too fond of the changes that life is throwing at me. I end up yelling at God. I end up throwing things. And I end up taking a lot of bubble baths. But, sometimes we need to take the time to relax. To realize how far we've come- and how hard times have brought us good things. Sometimes we need to look for the sparkle in our lives, even when we don't feel particularly sparkly at the moment.