pride.

I am such a planner. I have always had this exact way that I thought my life should play out. I never thought of it as an issue of pride, but I've realized through sermons and conversations this week that pride is exactly what it is. It's a lack of faith. It's thinking that my way of doing things is better than God's plan of doing things- and that is so not right. Deep down inside, I want to seek His face in everything that I do.  I want each and every moment of my life to have that special "God mark" on it- so that everyone (myself included) will know that this was only possible because of God.

I had this "vision" of sorts last night (that sounds really weird- I promise it wasn't like that- it was just a special "God moment" in my quiet time). I became so convicted that I needed to hand God my plan for my life- my lists, my goals, my plans of how things "ought to go" and have him rip them up into teeny tiny pieces. Then, I felt a comforting feeling come over me and I felt a small voice whispering to me. He said,

Precious child, you have no idea what amazing things are headed your direction. My timing is perfect. It is never late. Trust in me that I can handle your unique situation. Let go of your impatience. Live free from the bondage of plans and goals that enslave you. Life free from this world, focusing only on me. Let me lead you down a path of righteousness where you will prosper and do great things for my kingdom. Allow me to control your future, and do not worry about what it may hold. Live for today- live in this very moment I've blessed you with right now. Who knows what marvelous opportunities may come from living completely in this moment. Fully invest yourself where you are right now- with these people, in this situation. Allow me to reign down my blessings on your life and allow me to be sovereign over my beautiful creation. TRUST ME. HAVE FAITH. I WILL KEEP MY PROMISES AS I ALWAYS HAVE, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, MY SPECIAL, CHOSEN, TREASURE.

It was such a reaffirming moment. God has been speaking so much in my life recently. He has been anything but silent. Sometimes it's through people, sometimes it's through His Word, and sometimes it's in a small voice. I think God knows that the big, booming one might scare me a little- so he uses the quiet one like a daddy talking to his daughter. :)

I have no idea what my future holds. I don't know where I'll be living, what I'll be doing, or anything like that. I know that I've had some doors that have slammed shut this week. I've realized that seminary/grad school is not in God's plan for my life at this moment- maybe at some point in the future, but not right now. It's something that I want, but I've realized that it's a matter of pride. I don't want to be left behind! Learning new information sounds fun. I like school, school is comfortable and delays being a big girl a little longer. But, I'm realizing that God has placed a call on my life to love his people- especially the younger ones. Children's and Youth Ministry is something that is so close to my heart, and I really feel that God doesn't want to delay this any longer than possible (ahem, I still have a semester of college left and God seems pretty okay with me finishing that out). So, when you ask me what my plans are for after graduation, be prepared for an "I don't know", because at the moment, I have no idea where God is going to lead me. I just know that it will be in his plan...which makes it amazing! :)