Monday, September 30, 2013

I know

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what you're doing, but I know who you are.

These words stuck with me on my way home tonight. I'm at a place in my life that I don't really know what God is doing. I know that I have a place to lay my head at night. I know that I have a family that loves me. But, I'm 23 years old- unmarried, not in school, no job. It's hard not to feel like a failure sometimes. While I know that I needed to seek treatment nine months ago, it put some important things to the side- like finding a job or grad school. While I know it was necessary for my physical, emotional, and spiritual health-- it's hard looking back.

I feel so lost and confused...I don't know who I am anymore. My identity is in shambles. The rock I built my life upon- the pursuit of perfection- has shattered. I am in a spiritually dry desert right now. I pray and I cry out to God, but as hard as I try- I can't hear that voice anymore. I try going to church, but I end up having to leave due to anxiety and panic attacks. The place I once felt most at home and most at peace scares me. I know that it's the devil trying to attack. I know that this isn't of God. But it is so hard for me right now. I'm scared. I'm like a lost little girl that doesn't know where she's going, where she's being led. But I'm holding on. I'm holding on to the hand of God, just like I used to hang on to my Daddy's finger. Just like I trusted him then, I'm trusting God now.

Even in this time of darkness, I know who God is. I know that he is faithful. I know that he is true. I know that he is powerful. I know that he fights my battles for me. I know all of this because the Bible tells me so and I believe it. So even when I'm worried about grad school (if I'll get in, the entrance exam, etc) or living on my own, or recovery, or going to church, or whatever...I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep trying. Even when it doesn't work one time, I'm going to try again. Even when my prayers for healing from this awful disorder seem to not be heard, I'm going to keep praying. Even when I have to go home from church for the thousandth time, I'm going to go back the next Sunday and try again. Grant me patience, please. It's a hard process I'm going through. But, even though I don't know the next breath I'll take or the next move I'll make...I know who God is.

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