True Life: I "Hate" Adoption

I was going through my drafts archive and I came across this piece that I wrote back in college about adoption. Since this month was the 7 year anniversary of Desmond's "official" adoption day, I wanted to share it with the world. It's a little piece that I like to call "I "Hate" Adoption." I never published it out of fear of embarrassing my baby brother or bringing shame to his story. But, as I read over it today, I realized that this post is a story of redemption and blessing, not shame. This is my life, this is my brother's story, this is my family's story. I ask that you respect that in any comments or judgements you may make.

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Now, before you go unsubscribing and start calling me an awful person, please allow me to explain what I mean by the phrase "I hate adoption."

Let me start by telling you about this little boy that I love so much.

If you can't tell or haven't read my blog for that long- he's adopted. It's not a secret (I mean, he's not THAT stupid. His skin is kind of a different color.). My parents didn't hide the fact that he was adopted (probably because he was five when the adoption was finalized, but whatever). When I was in sixth grade, my parents started doing foster care. Right before I turned 12, this kid joined our family. He was nine months old. We thought that it would be temporary, but that's not how things worked out. Over the last ten years, we've learned a lot as a family. We've grown a lot. The "blessing of adoption" has definitely had some great impacts on my family (Hey- we have at least one cool family member now!). Our lives would be terribly boring if not for this kid. Sometimes I refer to him as my "paprika"- he adds spice to our lives. I love him so much, even when he's really annoying.

But, there's also a side to adoption that all to often, we don't highlight. My brother's case was a little different than your typical adoption. He has a birth mom that loves him, but was really young and unprepared when she gave birth to him. I joke around that we don't have an open adoption, we have a "the front door's wide open, so come on in" adoption. We are so blessed to have his birth mom be a part of our extended family. Is it perfect? Far from it. Is it always easy? Definitely not. It makes me laugh when I run into people from "that side of the family" when I'm out with friends. Yes, it might not be typical to see someone like me talking to a large black man. But, what's wrong with that? Why does society view that as "strange"? I love the fact that I have the opportunity to interact with people from diverse backgrounds. I think it helps me become a greater, more accepting person. Maybe it's not always easy to involve the "extended family", but, who are we to deny him his heritage, his birth mom?

Sure, his birth certificate has my parents listed under "Mother" and "Father". But, if you look at him, you can tell that that's in the legal/relational sense, not the blood sense. Why would we go around pretending like his birth family doesn't exist? There's this idea of "I deserve this child and she doesn't". Why do we think of ourselves as better than the birth family? They are not any less of a person. They are not any less a child of God. Even if they made a mistake along the way, there is no reason to think that you are any better than them. Romans 3:23 says that "all have fallen short of the glory of God." We've all messed up. Some people's sins are just more visible than others. Some people's sins have a greater impact here and now, but we will all have to stand before the throne of God someday and ALL of our sins will be made visible. From this point, I believe that the first goal of adoption should always be to avoid it. Adoption should be a "last resort" option. The birth family should be supported. Resources should be provided to try and keep the family together. Mentor the birth mom. Show her how to be a good parent. Teach her the skills that she needs to be able to succeed. Give her the chance to succeed, and believe in her. If you've gone through all of that and it's just not possible, then consider adoption. But, don't write the birth mom out. Give her an active role in the child's life, if possible. Don't just send her photographs and letters once a year (that's really not an open adoption). Allow her the chance to be involved in the child's life, as appropriate. Don't write her off as a failure as a parent. Don't write the birth family out of the child's life and pretend like they don't exist.

But, I feel like that's what we (as a culture) do a lot of the time. We view adoption as a fashion accessory. It's something that makes us "feel good" because we're helping someone out. But- that's the wrong reason for doing it. Adoption is not an accessory. Adoption is not an "obsession" or an "addiction". I feel sometimes like we are so obsessed over adoption. We treat it like a wonderful thing, but it is a horrible part of us living in a fallen world. With all my heart, I WISH that we did not have adoption. I wish that there were no orphans. I wish that we would spend the time and resources equipping birth parents so that they could parent their child. I wish that families could stay together. I know that sometimes parents make unwise choices that have consequences, but I HATE the fact that adoption has to exist. It breaks my heart. I wish that parents could stay involved in the life of their child. It breaks my heart when I hear about the state "taking someone's child away". It breaks my heart to hear that someone is "unfit to be a parent".

It breaks my heart when I see adoptive families that don't acknowledge the child's birth family or culture. It breaks my heart when I'm talking about open adoption and someone says "I could never do that". YES YOU COULD. You just choose not to. It might break your heart. It may stretch your faith. You might learn some new things and feel some new hurts. It might be painful. But, you could do it. It is possible to love a child like they are your own, even if they know that you are not their birth mom. You never know what kind of life this could lead you to. You could meet all sorts of new and wonderful and different people. You could learn so much about what heaven is going to look like someday- NEWS FLASH: NOT EVERYONE IN HEAVEN IS GOING TO LOOK JUST LIKE YOU. By embracing an adoptive child's family and culture, you will be able to show them the love of Jesus. You might be the only Christ that they see. "Front Door Wide Open" adoption is an amazing thing. It merges the old and the new together into some big, messy, amazing blob. I truly believe that if adoption has to exist, this way for it to happen. I know that some people might say things like "But, what if the birth family lives on 'that side' of town" or make excuses about safety. Safety-smaftety. The safest place to be is in the middle of God's will. Don't you think that God is just a little bit bigger than an uncomfortable position? One of my professors made the comment the other day in class that "Satan wants you to fear liability, because it holds you back from following Christ wholeheartedly." Is there a place for healthy boundaries? Yes. There are times when you may need to distance yourself (and the adopted child) from a person or situation. But, you can't let the fear of "what if" hold you back from allowing a child this opportunity. Open adoption allows a child to learn from their birth family- learn family history, cultural history, and the chance to learn life lessons from another person's successes and setbacks.

So, the big question- since I "hate" adoption so much, will I ever adopt? The answer is "I don't know". I have a heart for the broken. I desperately want to see children be able to have a family. I learned so much from this experience as a sibling of someone who was adopted, and I would love for my future children to be able to have that experience. But, I know the heartbreak involved (on all sides). If God leads me towards adoption, I will follow. That being said, if I adopt, I'd love to have an open adoption. I won't adopt as an "accessory" or "obsession". I won't adopt for selfish needs- to make myself feel like a "better person"- but rather to provide a loving home for a child to grow up in. Family reconciliation is the goal. Adoption is not supposed to be about "me" or "my family"- it's about loving God and loving people. It's hard. It's painful. But, it's worth it.

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There's so many other issues that I wish I could address. I wish I could expand on my feelings about family preservation. I wish I could tell you about the issues and judgements that arise when you adopt a child of another race. I wish I could go into great detail about our journey. But this is not the time or place for that. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me at everydaycinderella@gmail.com and I'd love to chat. But, keep in mind that protecting my baby brother (who's 12 now!) is at the forefront and I don't want to do anything that would violate his security or trust. Some things are not my story to tell- they are his story, when he is ready to share them. 

Guest Post: Eating Disorders from A Biffie's Perspective

I'm so excited to have a guest post on my blog today! A few days ago, I asked my friend Kaitlyn if she'd be willing to guest post on my blog about what it's like to have a friend with an eating disorder. One of the things that I've learned on this journey is that eating disorders don't just affect the individual. They also hurt families and friends. 

 

Katie, Katykins, my biffle/biffie....she's been with me for a large portion of this journey, and my entire journey in recovery! I'm so blessed to have this girl in my life. I can't wait to homeschool her children and brainwash them with my Republican ideals (Just kidding Kait. Kind of. Not really). I mean, this girl even Instagramed a #purpleproject post for me! This girl is amazing and I'm so happy that she agreed to share with you guys today!

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Hey everyone! I'm Kaitlyn. I'm Lauren's biffle/biffie. I have been her friend now for 3 years going on 10 plus. Totally kidding about the 10 plus years, but really I have been her best friend for 3 years now. How did I know she was going to be my best friend she got me out of a shirt in a dressing room, not even a week knowing me. haha.

We have been through a lot together my first 2 relationships plus the heartbreak coming from those events, to the biggest one of them of them all.

           Lauren's eating disorder. 

You see I found out through email before she came out on this blog. I was the first friend she told. Receiving that email was one of the saddest days of my life. I blamed myself for not seeing it. I spent everyday with this girl. Well mostly everyday. Oh I cried for days. 

However being friends with a person who has an ED is serious and hard business. 

One of the hardest things was when the disease even cut me out of her life for some time. It was so so hard. You see Lauren is one of the true friends who actually gets me. She gets my weird quirks, my anxiety. This girl is going to be yellow dress (jk) wearing bridesmaid, my engagement photographer, and so much more. 

Here's a few things you can do to help if your "Lauren" in your life has an ED. 

1. Find the right time to do it. Don't do it when it is a stressful time. Be cautious when you do it. 

2. Don't let the focus be on meals. This is one of the hardest. Meals are hardest for people who have ED. So do something else for a change. 

3. Lastly be patient with them. Her ED won't disappear over night. Rome wasn't built in a day people. Just be there and love on them when you can. 

I hope you enjoyed this post. 

Love, 

Kaitlyn 

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Y'all. This girl is the sweetest. I love her big heart. If you want to find out more about her, check out her social media!

Blog: Fat to Fabulous Kaitlyn

Twitter: @katiemac007

I wear purple....

I wear purple...

because I'm an overcomer.

because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, and I'm starting to believe it.

for "someday babies".

because I'm more than a number.

because I'm more than a diagnosis.

because I'm more than a label.

because I'm not defined by a scale.

because food isn't good or bad, clean or unclean.

because life is about more than ER visits and treatment programs.

because I really want to live.

because I'm sick of living like this.

because I want to be independent.

because 1 in 5 will die of this disease.

because my worth isn't defined by a size.

because I want picnics in the sunshine.

because I want to eat cake at my wedding.

because I want to celebrate life.

because I don't want my future daughters (or sons!) to live like this.

because even my hardest days in recovery are better than my worst days in relapse.

because Toaster Strudels and pancakes and peanut butter are amazing.

because food shouldn't be scary.

because I'm worth recovery.

because recovery is possible.

because someday I WILL recover.

...

I also got someone else to join in on the fun!

Want to join in? Put on some purple, make a "I wear purple because" or "I wear purple for" sign, and snap a picture! Post it on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter, tag it with #purpleproject and #NEDAwareness...and tell me about it! :)

"I Had No Idea"- NEDA Week 2014

"I had no idea."

That's what most people's initial reaction to me telling them about my eating disorder is. For someone who's ridiculously horrible at lying (as in, I tend to smile and giggle)- this came as a bit of a surprise. I guess I was good at hiding things. I guess that since I maintained my weight and ate food, people didn't notice the fact that I was running to the bathroom to purge after eating. I guess the fact that I didn't reach a state of emaciation for a majority of my disorder, people didn't notice. I was just "Lauren, the picky eater" or "Lauren, the girl who doesn't eat in the dining hall" or "Lauren, the girl with weird food allergies/stomach problems". I mean, since I struggled with body and self image from the time I was little bitty (like preschool) and I WAS an unusually picky eater- how could I have expected anyone to notice that my strange quirks and feelings were translating into something more sinister? I mean, I didn't even recognize that I had a problem for four years. Why would someone else notice? How would they notice? We live in a society that has such a perverted way of thinking about food and weight. Disordered eating is even seen as, might I say...normal? Society jumps from fad diet to fad diet. Juicing. Cleanses. Constant battles with the scale and numbers on the inside of our clothing. It's kind of hard to see the line between dieting and disorder when everything is so close. What's healthy for one person is bad for another. Add in the fact that eating disorders are horribly misunderstood- and we've got a massive problem on our hands. 

I thought I might share a few words on eating disorders today. After all, it is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Maybe someone can learn from my experience. Maybe you know someone with an eating disorder and you don't know what to say or what not to say. Maybe you don't understand why they can't "just eat" and get better. Maybe this little post can help. Maybe this post can give you a glimpse into my world.

• Not everyone that has an eating disorder is underweight. There is more to an eating disorder than weight or level of emaciation or a certain diagnosis. Anorexia is defined by refusal to maintain a natural or healthy weight (or BMI) and it IS marked by being underweight. But, Bulimia, EDNOS/OSFED, and Binge Eating disorder can all occur in healthy weight or overweight individuals. These illnesses are just as serious as anorexia and can have similar health consequences. Interesting fact- my bloodwork and all came back perfectly normal when I was 20 pounds underweight. When I went to treatment the first time (to do weight restoration), I wasn't really having major health issues. It wasn't until months later when I began to abuse laxatives and diuretics that the dizziness and chest pains and heart issues started popping up. By that time, I was weight restored to my "ideal body weight". Just because someone is at a "healthy weight" by BMI or IBW standards doesn't mean that they are healthy, they don't have an eating disorder, or that they can't seek treatment. 
• Most people with anorexia DO eat. Asking me if I eat isn't a funny question. Yes, I eat. Even at the point of my disorder when I restricted the most- I still ate. I ate three "meals" a day most days. Were they substantial? No. Were they healthy? No. I was eating "starvation diet"- which simply means that I ate less than 1200 calories a day. That magical 1200 calorie number? It's not the magic weight loss number. It's the number at which your body goes into starvation mode. It's not really meant to be used as a diet, and definitely not long term. Some days I may have eaten less than 1200 calories, but I almost always ate something at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That's one reason why most people were so caught off guard about my disorder. I ATE. I ate real food- not just diet foods or vegetables. Anorexia doesn't mean that you never ever eat. It is marked by restriction- not necessarily total avoidance. Otherwise, anorexia would kill you in 1-4 weeks.
• Most people who purge don't "like" throwing up. The purging side of my disorder is my least favorite and it was the first part that I really committed to giving up after this most recent relapse. This might get a little messy- but I think it needs to be said, so I'm going to say it. Purging ISN'T like it is in the movies and on TV. It's messy. It's not leaning over a toilet once, sticking a finger down your throat, and everything from dinner magically coming up. No, it's spending a half hour leaning over a dirty, messy toilet. It's vomit splashing up and hitting you in the face. It's crying and tears and wanting it all to be over and the food to just "get out" because you have this fear that the food is literally sitting in your stomach, multiplying- and you're totally going to gain 20 pounds if you don't get it out. The marathon vomiting session is normally followed by massive amounts of guilt and fear and crying and messy feelings involved in all of this. It's not glamorous, it's not beautiful and it's not something I enjoy. On one of my ER visits last year, I had an especially awful nurse who asked me extremely personal and rude questions about this- they were totally unrelated to my medical care. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...if you are in the medical profession- don't tell me how you've "never met an anorexic before" or ask me if I "like, make myself throw up and how" ...because you want weight loss tips. Anorexia is NOT A DIET. It's a serious medical condition.
• The media and/or society does not create eating disorders. I'm beginning to learn more about eating disorders, and I've come to the conclusion that I have the perfect genetic makeup for developing one. I'm highly perfectionistic, anxious, and I have low self image and body image distortion. These factors along with my genetics made me extremely susceptible to developing an eating disorder. It wasn't the skinny actresses or models, or gossip magazines, or anything like that. Could society and the media have contributed? Sure. They may have pulled the trigger to the gun- but they didn't create the gun. I wasn't constantly told I was fat and ugly by others- I was told that by my own self- my brain. These messages had been in my brain since I was itty-bitty. I had these messages in my head in the days before I watched TV or read magazines....and I never really enjoyed watching fashion shows or models. The thoughts were in my brain, creating a breeding ground and something finally "clicked" and it became an eating disorder. I don't know what "clicked", but the media and society did not create the disorder. My brain and genetics did.
• It's a choice, but it's also not a choice. I once heard it said that it's not a choice to develop an eating disorder, but it is a choice to recover. Recovery is hard. It's the hardest thing I've worked at. Telling me to "just eat" or to not count calories or not weigh myself...it's not really useful. I know what I need to do. I've been to treatment. I know the tools. I know the coping mechanisms. It's about convincing my brain to use them. For my, my eating disorder is all about compulsions. It's feeling this need to control what I eat. It's feeling this need to control the number (I always get really obsessed with numbers). Sometimes, the compulsions are too strong and I can't help but do them. Some days, I am simply not strong enough. You can tell me that drinking water won't make me gain weight, but when I'm in that "compulsion" mode, you aren't going to convince me. It's not because I'm strong, it's because the disorder is strong. Eating disorders are serious mental illnesses. They aren't just about vanity or "getting skinny". I mean, it'll trick you and make you think it is....but it's really not. I often compare my eating disorder to demons from the Bible. I'm not totally convinced that it's not a demon possession sometimes- that's how strong the urges and compulsions are. It's really hard to explain, and it's really hard to try and control. 

In a nutshell, that's five things that most people have "no idea" about eating disorders. Some misconceptions and some explanations. I think the key here is grace. Offer grace. Offer support and love, too- but don't forget about grace. Recovery is full of mess ups and slip ups. But, don't give up on us. Don't give up on me. Please.

An explanation.

It's not you. It's me.

Nope, this isn't some happy little Christmasy post. It's actually kind of sad (for me at least). 

It's an explanation. And a goodbye of sorts.

I've had to say goodbye to friends before. Sometimes its a move, someone's dad got a new job in a new city. Sometimes it's going off to college and the gradual process of growing apart. Sometimes it's a fight or an argument. This isn't any of those times. I feel like it would be easier if it was. I feel like it would be easier to say "I'm sorry that you're moving 1000 miles away and that our friendship won't be the same" than to say "I'm sorry, but I can't handle this right now. I'm not strong enough". I've tried several times to get around doing this. I've tried deleting my Facebook. I've tried deleting my Pinterest. But that didn't really help because it didn't get to the root of the problem. The problem was still there, in real life and online, and I had to face it every day.

I know that I can't completely remove all the triggers from my life. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I struggled with drugs or alcohol than with food. At least then I could avoid the thing that triggered me. But no, I have to eat. I have to face my trigger multiple times a day- and there's no way on earth to completely avoid it. I can see a dietitian and a therapist and try to come up with ways to manage the triggers, but that's all I can do- manage them. I can't completely avoid them. To make things harder, we live in a society where weight loss and looking a certain way is praised. We live in a culture the promotes the idea of "skinny"- at all costs. Please know that I don't blame any single one of you for buying into what culture says about beauty. But, I don't have to listen to you promote it.

A year ago, I weighed 20 pounds less than I do now. Looking back on pictures from last Christmas, I look quite scary. In a lot of ways, I'm "better" now. I'm "weight restored"- thanks to two months of drinking Ensure like it was my job. But, I still have a ways to go. I still struggle with the decision of what to eat, how much to eat, and what I should or shouldn't do after I eat. I still have that obsessive little voice in my head telling me that I need to loose weight. I'm not "fully recovered". I don't know that I'll ever be in a place where I'm fully comfortable with how I look and how much I weigh. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to eat "what I want, when I want" without worrying about it. But, I do know that I can keep progressing towards that goal. I can keep fighting with every fiber of my being. Progress, not perfection. But, I've come to the point in my recovery journey that I can now see that surrounding myself with messages of body hatred from culture isn't healthy for me. Sure, some people can buy the latest fashion magazines and read fitness articles and not be affected. Some people can go to the gym and work out and not be obsessed or triggered by it. But, I'm not there yet.

I hope this comes out grace-filled and nonjudgemental, but I'm afraid that it won't be interpreted that way. I've made the decision that I can no longer continue to surround myself with triggering people. If you post (or continually talk about) about weight loss, working out, so-called "healthy eating" or "clean eating", "good food vs. bad food", shaming others for not working out, or anything of that nature, I can not be around you right now. A comment here or there is okay. I can deal with the occasional post. I get that sometimes these topics come up as a natural part of conversation. But if literally everything that you do is discuss these topics, I cannot continue to jeopardize my recovery in the name of friendship.

Would you tell a recovering alcoholic about how you went out drinking the night before?
Would you tell a recovering drug addict about how you occasionally use cocaine?

Some of you are very near and dear to me and this makes me really really sad. But I really really want to stay out of treatment. I want to be able to get a job and have a family of my own and live a life of freedom! I know that there is no way that I can remove all triggers from my life. There are things I can't control (like Facebook filling up my newsfeed with diet and weight loss ads, for example). But for the few things I can control, I have to control them. I have to put myself and my recovery first right now. So if you have been unfollowed or unfriended, if I suddenly stop responding to your messages, please know that I still love you. I still wish the best for you.

I hope that someday you'll realize that you are so very worthy and you're not made more or less worthy based on a number on a scale.

I hope that someday you'll see your beauty and you'll understand the idea of health at every size. 

I hope that someday you'll know that being skinny won't solve all your problems and being at a healthy weight (or even overweight) isn't the cause of all of your problems.

I'm sorry.

nope. don't want to hear it.

I feel like I'm surrounded by a world of dieting and fitness.
It's sickening really. It's sick what people will do to their bodies in order to achieve the ideal.

How many calories are in that?
Oh my God, I just ate two cookies. I feel so guilty.
I skipped my workout this morning and I think I'm going to gain five pounds.
Oh, I can't eat there. Their fat content is too high, you know?
I like salad. Really. I don't like dressing.
Skipping breakfast is a great way to cut calories.
I can't have desert. I've eaten too much already.
I'm so happy! I've almost lost 10 pounds...this week!
I work out three times a day.
You know it's a good workout when you puke.
I really shouldn't eat that.
That food is bad for you.

You know, if I said half of these things, I'd be called out for engaging in disordered behaviors. But, because it's in the name of dieting and good health and fitness, it's somehow...okay (No one seems to notice that the word DIE is in DIET).It's somehow okay for someone who is "technically" overweight or close to it (I don't totally trust BMI scales, I've been lectured far too much about them. It's about HEALTH guys, not a number) to try and subsist on the caloric requirements of a six year old. 1200 calories may be the "magic number" that MyFitnessPal tells you, but that doesn't mean that it's enough for your body to survive on for the long term.

There are no good foods or bad foods...it's food, guys.
Food isn't clean or dirty (unless it falls in a mud puddle)...it's food, guys.
(Sidenote: I read this article last week, and you ought to take a look at it, too)

I feel like I've spent the last year being told  that "no one food will make you fat" and that "it takes 3500 calories ON TOP OF WHAT YOUR BODY NEEDS to gain one pound". Guys, I've spent thousands of dollars...thousands of Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Alabama's dollars...learning this, and your posts on Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest and Google News make me forget. I get distracted and side tracked and it's toxic. It's toxic to read these.

NO, I don't want to know how to burn 100 calories in 10 minutes.
NO, I don't want to know how you can turn a banana into "ice cream" or zuchinni into "spaghetti".
NO, I don't need to read about the new meal replacement shake you've discovered.
And NO, I really really don't want to hear about how you lost 25 pounds in 2 days on NutriSystem.

Sidenote: it doesn't really work...you can restrict and exercise and do all that nonsense, but all you'll end up with is lost hair, a slowed metabolism, and a bill for rehab. been there, done that.

Eating should be about nourishing and feeding our bodies.
Exercise should be about helping our bodies grow strong.

Listen. I'm not trying to say that everyone who diets or works out has an eating disorder. Please don't take this post that way. Eating disorders are serious, psychological illnesses. But, from one gal to another- quit the diet talk. It's okay to try to eat healthy and give your body what it wants.
It's okay to lose weight if it's recommended by a doctor for health reasons. 
It's okay to eat salad and drink green smoothies and work out daily. 
But don't let it become an obsession. Recognize that yes, sometimes your body wants salad- but sometimes your body wants a cookie! Sometimes your body wants to run five miles, but sometimes your body wants to rest. Stop the obsession. Stop the compulsions. It's okay to indulge every once in awhile. It's okay to take a break. It's not going to kill you to eat a cookie (unless it's a peanut butter cookie and you're deathly allergic to peanuts...then I'd avoid that one).

It's part of finding free. Getting free from the diet mentality that controls and consumes us. Getting free from the self hatred and the body hate. EMBRACE WHO YOU ARE. We're not all meant to be skinny...but some of us are. We're not all meant to be fitness fanatics...but some of us are. We're not all meant to be short or tall or whatever. We're meant to reflect the image of God- and image that comes from within, from the heart. Rather than obsessing about the shell, let's look at the heart.

A Christmas Bucket List

I feel rather silly doing a Christmas Bucket List. I mean, I don't have kids, so it's not like I have an endless list of Christmassy things to do with them- like going to see Santa! There's a few special Christmas traditions that my family has (like decorating our tree, going to see the Christmas lights, going to Christmas Eve service) that I really enjoy, but as I get older, I really want to start creating memories and traditions for myself. In this awkward stage of life, I CAN still create traditions. Yes, Christmas is about Jesus and family and all that- but it can also be about me exploring what holidays look like as a big girl! And that? That's exciting!

1. Bake Christmas cookies.
2. Watch all my favorite Christmas movies (Eloise at Christmastime, Charlie Brown, typical ABC Family fare)...and then some!
3. Set up my Christmas tree in my apartment.
4. Make a Christmas wreath.
5. Decorate my mantle (with stocking!)
6. Move Charlie in.
7. Read Ann Voskamp's The Greatest Gift.
8. Find and buy a nativity set! 
9. Make an ornament for my tree.
10. Bake a meal- a real one (not including chicken fingers!)- and invite someone over!
11. Drink lots of hot chocolate.
12. Make a Christmas playlist- and play it all season long!
13. Wrap cute presents for the family.
14. Try the whole gingerbread house making again.
15. Get a soy Gingerbread Steamer at Starbucks!

What's on your Christmas bucket list? Any fun exciting things I need to add to mine?