I'm still trying to work through how different this semester is than last. I'm working through finding who I am. I am struggling to hold the pieces together- and clinging to the remaining pieces as if my life depended on it. I honestly thought I had it figured out. And just when I got comfortable with things- the rug got pulled out from underneath me. "My" plan was apparently not God's plan. I'm struggling to not have bitter feelings. I'm trying to forgive and move on. But, when something defines your life- defines who you are, what your plans are, dictates your decisions- it is hard when that thing goes away. It gets hard to find the good in the situation. I mean, some good things have come- I get to play with cute kids on Wednesday nights with my best friend, I have more time to study. But, this isn't what I envisioned my life to look like this semester. I was planning on getting a little more on my "little resume" in hopes that I could land that dream job or get that scholarship to go to seminary when I graduate. But, now- there's a lack of direction. I don't know how "my plan" is going to work out. I have exhausted so many back up plans that I have run out of letters. It just hurts.
My biggest fear is being unwanted. I don't know where this came from. I have the best family, I promise. But, I have this fear that I'm never going to find a job- because nobody wants me. I have a fear that I'm going to end up a "crazy cat lady"- because nobody wants me. I imagine up all of these scenarios, and they all come back to the same thing. It's hard to fight this when it invades every aspect of my life. It means that my feelings get hurt double when a friend cancels and I end up blogging about it. It means I take things extra hard, when they aren't meant that way. It means I read into things. I overanalyze things when they didn't need to be analyzed in the first place. It means that I fear rejection so much that I don't put myself out there to be rejected. I walk away before someone else can.
I've been turning to my Bible a lot lately. It is the only thing that remains constant, that never changes it's mind, that never fails, and that will never let me down. I can trust I God, even when everything around me doesn't make sense. I'm so thankful that I serve a God like this. He is really amazing. This week, I've been reading in Isaiah. Yes, my reading plan has me in Numbers- but Isaiah is where I need to be right now. Last night, I was reading though the book of comfort (chapters 40-53) and well, it comforted me. (Imagine that!) I'm learning to move on. I'm learning that it's okay that life hurts, but I can't dwell on that. In Isaiah, the people were in a really bad spot. They had disobeyed God- turned their back on him and began worshipping themselves instead of God (sound familiar?). Eventually, their sins led to the, being taken over and sent into exile. I would say that it wasn't really good. In the book of comfort, Isaiah provides a message of hope for the people. He tells them that God hasn't abandoned them, even when all the signs around the say otherwise.
Isaiah 43 is where my heart is at. This is the section that convicts me. It's the section that draws me back. In this beautiful passage, Isaiah reminds the people that the Lord is with them always. He is always fighting on their side. He provides for them, even in the darkest of times. This is because they are precious to him. Precious. Did you know that "precious" extends to us too? It is so amazing that God calls us his precious children. Isiah 43:4 says, "Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life." God doesn't just call you precious, he says that he loves you. He loves you in despite of you "messing things up". He loves you despite the fact that you keep thinking your plans are better than his. He loves you even when life hurts. So, when life hurts- turn to him! We don't have to do this thing called life alone!
So, right now, life hurts. Bitter feelings abound. Plans get messed up. Things don't always work out. But, it is going to be okay. We are going to live to see another day. The sun will come out tomorrow. God thinks you are precious, and he loves you. Turn to him when life hurts, and find the sparkle. :)