Monday, September 5, 2011

bottom line: don't be stupid.

This weekend, Security from my college sent out an email with reminders to the students about guidelines for the upcoming year. While I would think most of them were pretty obvious, apparently some people still don't know. I took out the ones that were actually useful (or weren't funny) and added my own commentary. 

1)  During the past week Security has discovered vehicles being left unlocked around our campus with personal property lying in plain view.  Everyone should make sure that their vehicle is secured and you should not leave your personal property such as clothing, CDs, etc. lying in plain view due to the fact this is very inviting to a criminal.During the past week Security has discovered residence hall rooms and offices left unlocked and unoccupied.  You should always secure your room or office door if unoccupied.  This is for your safety and the security of others, in addition to protecting your personal property.  If you must keep your wallet, purse or currency in your room or office, I strongly recommend that you secure this property in a safe or a locked desk drawer or file drawer.  When unlocking your door always remove your key(s) and do not leave them hanging in the door lock. I also want to stress the importance of keeping all windows located on the first floor of each residence hall secured at all times for your safety and the safety of others.

Basically, don’t be stupid. We’re in the middle of the highest crime zone in the city. Lock up your stuff if you don’t want it stolen.

3)  I want to caution you about walking around the outer perimeter of our main campus and the Cloverdale Campus after dark.  Avoid walking alone, if at all possible, especially after dark.  Don’t forget you can contact Security twenty-four hours a day for an escort.

As previously stated, walking around at night in a neighborhood like ours isn’t very smart. Be smart.

6)  As you know, our Cloverdale neighbors surround our campus.  You should respect them and their property by not playing loud music in the parking lots late at night or driving recklessly up and down the side streets (especially vehicles or motorcycles with loud mufflers).  Do not litter, for there are plenty of trash cans around campus and, with your help, this will greatly reduce the work of our college staff in addition to keeping our campus looking its best.

Dear rednecks and hoodlums, turn down your music. I shouldn’t be able to distinguish the lyrics at ten o’clock at night in my room on the third floor.

8)  There is a crosswalk with a yellow blinking caution signal for our students walking to and from Cloverdale at the intersection of Fairview Avenue and Bankhead Avenue.  When using this crosswalk you must look both ways before crossing.  Do not assume that a vehicle will stop just because you have the right-of-way.  Use caution and pay close attention to oncoming traffic.

Stop, Look, and Listen. I know we don’t know how to use crosswalks in Alabama, but…

12) Do not climb or jump over the campus gates or fencing because this will cause damage to both.  If you need a gate unlocked, contact Security.

There’s a gate there for a reason.

16)  When the power goes out here at Huntingdon, the office telephones do not work.

Really? Never would have guessed that one.

17)  To prevent fire, do not put paper products in the cigarette butt cans.

Seriously guys. Paper is flammable.

18)  You are not permitted to use the campus green as a driving range or putting course.  This policy was made years ago for the safety of persons on our campus and to keep damages from occurring to our buildings, vehicles, etc.  There are numerous driving ranges and golf courses in and around Montgomery where you can play or practice your golf skills.

There’s a golf course across the street at the country club. It’s green and there’s not people walking. Oh- and there’s holes.

20)  Riding in the back of a pick-up truck is fun, but this can also be very dangerous. You could fall out or be thrown from the bed of a truck, which could result in serious physical injury, or loss of life.  Your safety while here at Huntingdon is our responsibility.  I would like to discourage each one of you from riding in the back of a truck.  Think for a moment: you are not wearing a helmet and you are not wearing a padded suit.  The odds of you receiving some type of injury if you were to fall or be thrown from the back of a truck are one-hundred percent.  I can only caution you about what may occur while riding in the back of a truck.  Since there is no law prohibiting you from doing this, I hope that you will refrain from doing it for your personal safety.

Only in Alabama.

22)  If the elevators at Blount Hall, Bellingrath Hall, or the Library were to malfunction, contact Security immediately.  The elevator phone button should only be activated when you are trapped inside due to a mechanical problem, etc. Rendering a false alarm is a crime.

Because you know, Security can fix broken elevators.

23)  I would like to caution everyone about getting into a confrontation with others. This type of behavior could lead to serious physical injuries not only to you, but also to others.  Whenever someone approaches you and you believe that a confrontation may occur, just turn around and walk away and contact Security immediately.  Do not jeopardize your safety and the safety of others. 

Seriously guys. Be smart. Save it for the football field. I think LSU learned this one already.

26)  I want to remind everyone that a visitor in any residence hall must be escorted at all times by the person he/she is visiting while inside the residence hall.  Do not let persons into the residence halls as you are entering or exiting unless you know that he/she resides there.  If you observe a suspicious person(s) hanging around the entrance door of any residence hall or if you observe a suspicions person(s) walking around inside any residence hall, contact Security immediately or notify your RA or RD immediately.

Seriously guys. There was a hobo living in the study room last semester. Don’t let creepy people in.

31)  As we approach hunting season, this is an important reminder about the possession of weapons on campus.  No student, faculty, staff member, or anyone who visits campus, is allowed to possess a weapon on school property (loaded or unloaded), whether in your room, vehicle, or on your person.  Only sworn law enforcement personnel are allowed to have a weapon on campus. Violation of this policy could result in expulsion (if you are a student), termination (if you are an employee) of the College and could result in your arrest or incarceration. Please refer to your Student Handbook, page 54, for a list of items that are considered to be weapons.

Once again, only in Alabama.


  1. hahaha... this is awesome. i think my favorite ones were the "only in alabama" moments. although i think the hunting one could also apply to northern michigan and the upper peninsula.

  2. numbers 20 and 31 are my favs! Only in Alabama!