Friday, March 30, 2012

The "Dunk and Sprinkle"

For future reference, I'm declaring today Fabulous Friday. In part, because I giggled so much while writing the following post. I don't think I've laughed as hard while writing a post as I did the past few days as I've worked on this post. I wrote it to send in as a guest post for Stuff Christians Like, but I couldn't wait to post it. I think it takes at least a year to get published over there...and I'm too impatient for that. Plus, it's a few hundred words over the limit. I'm also working on another book (yes, that means I'm in the process of writing two books at the moment- one silly and one serious) and this may just be part of the "silly" one. So, without further adieu, I'll introduce this post. If you know me very well, you know that I'm just not the best at the whole relationships thing. And, when I'm forced to come up with an excuse quickly...well, things don't always go very smoothly.
(I could think of seven-the magical Christian number, but the last three would be lame) 
Christian Breakup Lines:

1. I'm sorry, but you're not the person God wants me to marry.
This one is a cop out. I mean, I've used it before, but that doesn't make it any better. What it really means is "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I really don't like you, so I'm just gonna blame God". While I do believe that the boy in question was not the man God wanted me to marry (I mean, he was Baptist and I'm a Methodist. I was sprinkled. It just wasn't going to work. Calvinists and Armenians can't get along forever), But, the real reason I ended the relationship was that he wasn't a good boyfriend. I have high expectations, you know.

I don't think my high expectations are a good thing though. Sure, they make you guard your heart and all, but is anyone going to be "perfect"? I mean, I'm pretty sure "the one" is going to be annoying sometimes and get on my nerves. This story isn't a perfect fairy tale, my name isn't Cinderella, and because boy is a boy- he probably isn't going to always act like Prince Charming. Not saying I need to lower my standards, but my expectations (and yours!) need to be realistic. We don't live in a Disney movie.

2. I'm sorry, but I'm moving to Africa in a month.
Is this really fair? I mean, this is the ultimate break up line, because who is going to argue with it. I mean, if I don't move to Africa, then who will save all the poor, starving African children? If I don't go, I might end up like Jonah in the belly of a whale. Or large fish. Whichever is more biblically accurate. This is the "big poppa" of breakup lines- make sure it's worth the emotional angst you may cause the person. But, if they- hypothetically ask you to go see a Disney movie and make corny Disney jokes like "let me be the Woody to your Jessie"- that's the situation that you should employ this line. If you just aren't into him in a "wish he liked it so he'd put a ring on it" kind of way. Sit him down to have a little DTR and tell him that you're moving to Africa. Just try not to do it via text message. That's kind of mean. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Okay, fine. I have to admit, I've used this one. That is a little embarrassing. It was kind of an exaggeration though. I mean, I've never BEEN to Africa, much less moved there. I was planning on moving to the south side of Chicago though, and that's kind of like Africa, right?

For this to work, you have to use Africa. It stirs up those emotional images we discussed earlier. I mean, you could say, "I'm moving to China to help the baby girls". That may work. South America maybe...but it might be too close. He may try to visit you or something and you'd be caught in your lie. But, don't say you're moving to Europe. It's too intellectual, and boy may want to come visit you/go with you. They have cool places in Europe. And for goodness sake, don't use Antarctica. Boy will know you are lying then. Especially if you think Alabama gets cold in the winter. Oh- and make sure you actually leave town to go somewhere. Or at least change colleges. Or avoid him. Otherwise...that'd just be embarrassing.

3. I'm sorry, but I'm joining a convent and becoming a nun. 
To start with, I've never used this one. I'm not Catholic, so that would be pretty difficult unless I dated someone that I didn't discuss religion with. Or that didn't understand the religion we discussed. But, the fact is- I would totally use this one if given the chance/opportunity (okay, running and hiding from embarrassment here). I mean, nuns and priests are known for their vow of chastity (I know that we are in the 21st century now and things might have changed in some places, but to my knowledge, they can't marry). So, telling someone that you've decided to persue a more religious lifestyle and join a convent would be a great way to break up. I mean, it's totally me, and not about you at all.

Short side story here. In high school, right before graduation, we did "senior predictions". Basically, where would you be in five to ten years (silly, of course!). My friends wrote that I would "go off to Auburn and discover the evils of the world and decide to become a nun. After joining the convent, I would invent 'Hot Nun Tanning Lotion' and market it around the world". So basically, it's been predestined that I should become a nun.

4. I'm sorry, but you're a ___________ and I'm a __________. 
I briefly alluded to this one in the first line. But, I feel that I should go into greater details. There's a variety of ways to use this one. For example:
  • I'm sorry, but you're a Baptist and I'm a Methodist. 
  • I'm sorry, but you're a Calvinist and I'm an Armenian. 
  • I'm sorry, but you believe in predestination and I like the doctrine of free will. 
  • I'm sorry, but you dunk and I sprinkle. 
  • I'm sorry, but you raise your hands, and I'm uncomfortable with anything other than formal liturgy. 
  •  I'm sorry, but you let women preach/wear pants, and I think a woman's place is in the kitchen. 
  • I'm sorry, but you're a Democrat and I'm a Republican. 
  • I'm sorry, but you go for Alabama and I go for Auburn. 
I think you get the idea by now. I hope. Normally, this breakup occurs between two people from different backgrounds. The backgrounds conflict too much, and in the end, they can't settle the agreement. Sad, I know. My favorite's the "dunk and sprinkle" one. I call it the "dunk and sprinkle". It explains all of life's conflicts. I mean, if you disagree with me about something and you just so happen to be Baptist (I have nothing against Baptists, promise. I'm just a Methodist and it's a part of the great Metho-Baptist controversy) I'll just use the "dunk and sprinkle" and walk off like nothings wrong and accept that it's okay to disagree. Part of me hopes I can use it someday. But, the other part of me does want to get married someday, so I can't keep running off potential suitors like this. 

So, what are the "best" worst breakup lines you've ever used or had used on you? Come on, it's Fabulous Friday, let's join together and laugh of our "failures". Literally. Haha. 

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